Your Guide to Southern California Beaches (or, like, not.)

Okay, so. You’re trying to hit the Southern California Beaches? Get some of that Pacific breeze? Catch some rays and just chill with that laid-back vibe everyone knows this place for? Yeah, that’s the plan. Or what was supposed to be the plan, anyway.

But I’ve got a major problem here. A huge one. I’m a local writer who generally tries to get the entire factual story right, making sure you have all the precise information needed to truly understand a topic. No dice at all. The transcript I was given as the one and only source for this whole thing? It’s literally totally, entirely, 100% about the super wild life and strange times of John McAfee—you know, the tech eccentric who was a libertarian, gaining massive fame in cybersecurity, only to go on an absolutely unbelievable spree. It goes into his childhood trauma. His early businesses, drug use. McAfee Associates, his own company. All his legal messes. His Belize time. Political ambitions. And, yep, his death in a Spanish prison.

And the kicker? Not a whisper about sand. Or surf. Or waves, lifeguards, parking, hot dog stands, anything connected to a California coast in that whole document. Not a single thing about the best places for surfing, swimming, or just baking in the sun. Or family fun spots. Zero tips on how to get there. What facilities are around. Any secret cool spots. Or what else is nearby for really enjoying our beaches. Seriously.

So, yeah, I’d love to give you the lowdown on Malibu’s nice waves, or Laguna’s cool little coves. But my instructions? Super strict. Everything has to come straight from this messy transcript. And when the source has absolutely squat to say? A writer can’t just make things up.

Just a heads-up. Because if you’re looking for the real dirt on Southern California Beaches? You gotta find it somewhere else, right now. My research is just stuck. On a totally different weird story.